Yes. In the UK, adoption professionals strongly recommend being open and honest with your child about their adoption from an early age. This helps build trust, supports identity development, and encourages healthy emotional wellbeing.
Adopting a child and starting a family is an incredibly special and life-changing experience. As your child grows, it’s completely natural to wonder how and when to talk to them about their adoption.
You may worry about saying the wrong thing or changing how your child sees you. However, in modern adoption, openness and honesty are key to helping children feel secure, confident, and supported.
Why telling your child they’re adopted matters
Telling your child they are adopted lays the foundation for an honest and trusting relationship.
When children grow up knowing their story, they are more likely to:
- Feel secure in who they are
- Understand their life journey
- Feel comfortable talking about their thoughts and emotions
Keeping adoption a secret can lead to confusion, mistrust, or difficulties with identity later in life. Openness reassures your child that their story is nothing to be ashamed of and that they can always come to you for support.
Truthfulness shows your child that they can trust you and that they don’t have to hide any feelings they may have about being adopted. Understanding more about their birth family and how this plays a part in their identity may be important for them to better understand their past.
Being open about adoption is now a standard expectation in the UK, and as an adoptive parent, you’ll play a key role in supporting your child through life story work, which helps build their sense of identity.
When should you tell your child they are adopted?
The best approach is to start early and make adoption part of your child’s everyday story.
Rather than having one “big conversation”, adoption should be something your child grows up always knowing. This helps it feel normal and removes any sense of shock or secrecy later on.
As your child grows, you can build on these conversations in an age-appropriate way, gradually sharing more detail as they are ready to understand it.
How to tell your child they are adopted
It’s understandable that you want to take the best approach when it comes to telling your child that they’re adopted and how they came to live with your family. Here are a few things to consider before taking the plunge.
Start early and keep it natural
The best way to approach telling your child that they are adopted is to do so from an early age. It’ll be important to be open and honest, and to normalise discussion around adoption.
You can keep the conversation age-appropriate, and it’ll be crucial to not discuss your child’s birth family in a negative way. Using positive language when discussing adoption can also reaffirm that your child is loved and very much wanted. Many children are encouraged by hearing about famous people who were also adopted like them.
Use clear and honest language
Avoid overcomplicating the explanation. You can explain that:
- They were born to another family
- They couldn’t stay with them
- You became their parent and love them very much
This creates a clear and honest foundation for future conversations.
While it may be tempting to use flowery language to describe your child’s adoption, truthfulness is important. You can explain that they were born to other parents, but that they couldn’t stay with them for whatever reason. You wanted them to become a part of your family, and so now they are.
This sets the foundation for later conversations if they have any questions about where they came from.
Open and honest communication
This will be crucial when discussing your child’s adoption. You want your child to feel like they can ask you anything about their adoption, rather than it being a topic to avoid talking about altogether. By maintaining an open line of communication about their birth parents, they’ll know they can come to you to find out more, which could prevent them from trying to find out for themselves on social media.
Contact with birth family
In many cases, keeping in touch with their birth family can help children with their sense of identity.
This may include:
- Letters, emails, or photos
- Indirect contact through an agency
- Direct or digital contact (where appropriate and safe)
Maintaining appropriate contact can help children better understand their background and feel more connected to their life story.
Some adopters also send cards and photographs or even a piece of string to the birth family that’s the same length as the current height of your child.
Meeting your child’s birth family can also help you learn more about them and might help you to answer any questions that they may have about them in the future.
Helping your child to overcome trauma
Depending on the circumstances that led to the adoption, your child may carry trauma. You can apply for an assessment of need in order to access funded therapeutic services via the adoption support fund if you feel this could help your child.
Ensure that you listen to your child when they talk about the reason for their adoption and help them to navigate any feelings, they may have about it.
What is life story work?
Life story work is an important part of your child’s adoption journey. This helps you to put together a record of your child’s history and where they came from. It should talk about their birth family and why they couldn’t stay with them, and also be a celebration of your child’s life with you as their adoptive parents. Exploring their hopes for the future will be important, too.
If your child doesn’t understand before they met you, they may blame themselves for what happened in their past. As we’ve discussed above, honesty and openness can help to answer these questions before they arise and reassure your child that they’re not to blame. Discussing what’s happened in their past can be a difficult conversation to have, but it can also be therapeutic and help them to heal.
Your child will have a life story book when they come to you, regardless of their age. You can add to this throughout their life as they grow and develop hobbies. Life story work is something that you can do together.
What to include in a life story book
Not sure what to include in your child’s life story book? A life story book should be personal, positive, and meaningful. You might include:
- Positive messages that include all parts of their life.
- Photos of them, birth family members, and of your family.
- Memories of their journey so far, such as holidays, first steps, or anecdotes.
- Any achievements they’ve got, such as swimming certificates or letters.
- Drawings and paintings that your child has done.
- A chronological look at your child’s life.
Life story work is something you can build on together over time, making it a shared and supportive experience.
Thinking about adoption?
Are you considering adoption? Whether you’re looking to start your family by adopting your first child, want to expand your existing family, are adopting again or you’re looking into adopting siblings so that they can stay together, Adopters for Adoption are happy to help you on your journey.
We’re also proud to offer our adopters post-adoption support so that will have the help you need, no matter what stage you’re at in your adoption journey.
Whether you’re just starting to explore adoption or ready to take the next step, our friendly team is here to help.
Get in touch today by filling out an enquiry form on our website or calling 0800 5877 791 to speak to one of our advisors.
