Life After Adoption: The First Year of Adjusting to Living Together

Bonding 

Arguably, the most important aspect of adoption is the bonding process between you and your child. Whereas a new child would be introduced to lots of different people in a short space of time, at first, you’ll need to ensure that it’s just you and your partner, or just yourself if you’re a single adopter, who spend time with your adopted child. 

Creating a secure attachment with your child will be essential for both of you, and the first year you spend together is where this will be formed. You can help to strengthen your connection and bond with each other by: 

• Routine – get into a consistent routine with your child in terms of when they wake up, eat, play, have bath time, and go to bed. This consistency can reassure your child that they’re safe and well cared for. We recommend that in the early days their routine replicates the familiar routine that they had with their foster carers. 

• Eye contact – make as much eye contact with your child as possible so that they feel recognised and valued.  

• Physical contact – skin on skin and physical contact can be useful for establishing a secure attachment, too, so lots of hugs and playful interactions will be key. Depending on their age, opportunities to offer personal care such as bathing, gentle hair brushing, hand holding and cuddles all help.  

• Quality time – reading to your child, singing to them, or playing with them can help to strengthen the bond between you. We can recommend playful therapeutic games and interactions.   

Changing family dynamics 

An inevitable aspect of adopting a new child or children is that family dynamics will change. If you already have children, they will have to share emotional and physical space with their new sibling. If you’re adopting when you already have children, communication will be key. 

Here are a few of our top tips for easing the transition: 

• Be open and honest with your children before their adopted sibling arrives, making them aware of these changes before they happen. 
• Encourage your children to express their feelings about these changing dynamics to you, or to another close friend or family member. 
• Try to maintain their routine and favourite activities and make time for each of your children once their adopted sibling arrives so that they continue to feel valued and loved. 
• Talk to your children about how their adopted sibling may need more attention at times, depending on their needs, but that doesn’t mean you love your other children any less. 

Registering with a GP and dentist  

Until the adoption order is granted, you share parental responsibility for your child with the local authority who placed them in your care. Therefore, you must inform them of any changes in health, medical treatment required and may require permission for certain procedures.  

One of the most important things that you’ll need to arrange when your child first comes to live with you is registering them with their new GP. Initially they are registered in their birth name, although most GP surgeries appreciate the need for confidentiality and are willing to call them out using your family name.   

Once the adoption order has been granted, your child will be issued a new NHS number, and their medical records should be merged with the new post-adoptive details where possible across all health records. You will be allocated a health visitor and the immunisation details of your child will be sent to you.   

You can also sign up to the Adoption Registration Service with the NHS to find information about hereditary medical conditions that may affect your child if direct contact with their birth parents isn’t possible.  

Registering with a dentist works slightly differently. For NHS dentists, there is no formal registration process, but you can search for a dental practice near you that is accepting new NHS patients. Alternatively, you can register your child with a private dental practice if this is something you’d like to do.

When to introduce family and friends 

We’ve briefly mentioned this above, but introducing your adopted child to family and friends needs to work a little differently than it does for biological children or stepchildren. The bonding period when your child first comes to live with you is so important, and you will need to take introductions to other family members or friends slowly. 

Your child will need to build trust with you first and become accustomed to their new environment. Once they feel settled and secure in their new home, you can start introducing them to the people closest to you who they will likely see frequently when growing up. Gradually and consistently introduce your loved ones so that your child can start to familiarise themselves with new faces and voices. 

Other ways to involve family and friends 

While uninterrupted bonding time with your child is crucial for building a secure attachment, this doesn’t mean that you won’t still need support and encouragement from your family or friends. They can assist with childcare for other children in the home, maybe drop off meals, offer a listening ear and ask you what would be most helpful for you. 

Adopters for Adoption will invite your family and friends to take part in an adoption training session during the assessment process so that they know how to best support you after the adoption and throughout your adoption journey. 

When to start nursery or school 

Although taking your child to nursery or school for the first time is an exciting thing to experience, it’s very important not to rush this part of your adoption journey. You’ll need to ensure that your child has been able to build a secure attachment with you first, and that they feel able to come to you if they need anything. 

Take time to bond with each other, playing with them and giving them your undivided attention so that they know this is a safe and loving home. It’ll be better for both of you in the long run to take this next step slowly so that you know your child is resilient enough to tackle their new learning environment. 

Healing from trauma and loss 

Introducing them to nursery or school too soon could be detrimental to them and how they settle into their home. Children who have experienced loss and trauma may feel the need to hide their trauma response in educational settings, instead of feeling safe enough to express big emotions when they’re in their own home.  

Giving them support and allowing them to express their feelings honestly about their loss or grief can help them heal from their trauma. If you feel your child would benefit from access to funded therapeutic services via the adoption support fund, you can apply for an assessment. 

Travel and holidays 

Going on family holidays is one of the most exciting aspects of family life. So it’s understandable that you’d be excited about taking your child on holiday for the first time. However, there’ll be a couple of things that you’ll need to bear in mind before you go anywhere. 

• Permissions – until the adoption order is granted, you share parental responsibility for your child with the local authority who placed them in your care. Any passports will be in their birth names until they are adopted by you. Therefore, you will require permission to take them on holiday, even in the UK. Be sure to allow time for such requests, especially if passports are required.  

• Start small – before you go on week-long holidays, introduce smaller, short trips. You can gradually increase the length of time that you stay away from home as your child adjusts to these changes. 

• Early preparations – make sure you start planning your trips well in advance of them actually happening. Talk about any upcoming trips or holidays you’ve got in the works with your child and get them involved in deciding what to do on your break so that they’re aware of what to expect. 

• Routines – try to stick to things like mealtimes and bedtime routines as much as possible so that your child isn’t too disrupted by the change of a holiday. This can help to reduce any anxiety they may feel about being in a different environment. 

• Practice trauma–informed parenting – be aware of the fact that new and unfamiliar places may trigger a trauma response or fear of abandonment in your child. Listen to them if they have concerns, and show compassion towards them if they find something distressing. You may need to cut things short if their emotional needs require it. Reassure them that they’re safe and that you’re together and that you’ll be going home together. 

• Comfort breaks – take time out of your days for walks, cuddles, or to just unwind from your daily adventures. Too many activities and new experiences all at once can dysregulate children.  

• Plan your days together – ask your child what they’d like to do each day and give them some simple choices for activities and food, rather than surprising them. Even nice surprises can cause anxiety, whereas giving them options can help to build trust between you and give them a sense of control. 

Celebrations and events 

Special events and celebrations can be a triggering time for your child, particularly if they can remember spending these with their birth family or foster carers in the past. Navigating these celebrations with your child will need to be done with care and compassion. 

Below are some of our top tips for helping your child to deal with celebrations like Christmas and birthdays: 

• Talk about the celebrations in advance – keeping your child aware of celebrations that are happening and why can better prepare them and help them feel more secure. This may avoid disappointment as well if they don’t enjoy the experience as much as you had hoped.  

• Location – think about where the celebration will be taking place. Will this be in your own home, where your child can retreat to their own bedroom if they need space? Or might your child experience this as an invasion of their safe space and consider if it might be better to celebrate elsewhere? Think about how the location of the celebrations could affect your child and their well-being. 

• Take a trauma-informed approach – remember that your child might find these celebrations overwhelming. Be ready to listen to them if they start to display big emotions, and take some time out in a quiet area so they can try to regulate their emotions. Remind them that their feelings are valid, and be prepared to duck out of the celebrations early if you need to. 

House rules and changes to routine 

While house rules are a natural part of parenting, it’s crucial to approach these with understanding and patience. It’s okay if your child doesn’t stick to these straightaway, depending on their age, because they may not be used to having them in the home.  

When it comes time to introduce your child to house rules, here are a few things to consider: 

• Establish a routine – by creating a consistent daily routine of mealtimes, play time, and bedtime, your child will feel more secure and safe in their environment. 

• Create a safe space – it’s important that your child has a room of their own that can be decorated to suit their needs and interests. Think about what colour they’d like to paint the walls and what kinds of books or toys they can have to read or play with. 

• Honest communication – if your adopted child is old enough to understand house rules, such as shoes off in the home or tidying up after playtime, explain to them why it’s important to follow these.  

• Positive reinforcement – rather than telling them off or punishing them when they get things wrong or don’t obey set house rules, use positive reinforcement when they get things right, such as giving them lots of praise. Try to be gentle and understanding if they don’t quite get things right the first time around. 

• Consistency – make sure that you stay consistent with maintaining your house rules. Explaining the reasons for them might help and it’ll be important for your adopted child to feel that they’re living in a predictable environment. 

Remember that changes to routine can be very distressing for children who have suffered trauma. Consistency and predictability will be so important in their day-to-day lives. Instead of chastising them for big emotions, look behind the behaviour. What has happened to dysregulate them? What can you do to help them regulate their emotions? 

Here are a few of our tips for helping your child cope with changes to routine: 

• Talk about changes in advance – if these are changes that you’re likely to know about beforehand, such as a doctor’s appointment or a play date, talk about it with your child. This allows them to mentally prepare for the change to their routine so it won’t come as much of a shock. 

• Validate their emotions – let them know that their reactions and feelings are understandable, that change can be scary and allow them to explain how they’re feeling. 

• Stay calm – when your child displays big emotions, it’s important to stay calm, talk gently, and keep your body language open. You can take a moment for yourself if needed. This can prevent the situation from escalating and give your child the chance to return to a calmer state. Once they’re feeling better, you can help them think about what it was that may have triggered their big feelings and support them in developing healthier ways to manage them in the future.  

Returning to work 

It’s natural to feel anxious about returning to work after taking adoption leave to welcome your new child into the family.  

Hopefully, by the time your adoption leave comes to an end, you’ll have established a loving, secure bond with your child. They’ll also be familiar with their own routine, and you can get them used to days in nursery or school before you need to return to work. 

Here are a few things to consider when it’s time to head back to your job: 

• Planning for your return – although you don’t legally have to tell your employer when you would like to return to work, it’s a good idea to give them an indication of what date you are planning on coming back. This can help them to plan for your return. 

• Returning to work earlier than planned – if you’d like to return to work earlier than planned, you need to give your employer eight weeks’ notice of this. Until the adoption order is granted, you share parental responsibility for your child with the local authority who placed them in your care, therefore, any plans to return to work sooner than agreed at the start of your placement will need to be discussed with them first.  

• Keeping in touch days – these allow you to keep in touch with your employer and plan for your return to work. These days can help to prepare you and your child for what it’ll be like. You’re allowed to work up to ten keeping in touch days without this affecting your adoption leave entitlement. 

• Phased return – you can discuss with your employer if a phased return would be beneficial, so that you can slowly get up to speed with all that you’ve missed while you were on adoption leave. This could start with working three days a week rather than the full five days. 

• Flexible working – if you’d like to adjust your working hours when you return, you can make a flexible working request with your employer. 

• Not returning to the same job – if you don’t want to return to your previous job after your adoption leave, you’ll need to give your employer notice. Make sure that you check your contract beforehand to see how much notice you’ll need to give your employer. 

Mentally preparing to return to work 

It’s worth taking the time to validate any difficult emotions that you or your child may be feeling about the reality of you returning to the world of work. Yes, this is a necessary part of life; however, you and your child may find this initial transition hard after spending so much time together. It’ll be crucial to acknowledge these emotions so you can work through them together. 

• Separation anxiety – one or both of you could suffer from separation anxiety at first. To help ease the transition, start acclimatising both yourself and your child to periods of distance by leaving them with a caregiver for short periods of time. You can gradually increase this time apart.  

• Routine – another key thing to bear in mind is to maintain familiar routines as much as possible. Ensure your child can follow their usual nap and feeding times, as this will help them feel more secure in your absence. 

• Trusting someone else with your child – it can be daunting for every parent to leave their child for a short time while you return to work. Make sure that the caregiver you choose to leave your child with is someone they can see consistently to give your child a better sense of security and routine. Whether this is a parent, a friend, or a childminder, consistency will be the key to success.  

• Permissions – until the adoption order is granted, you share parental responsibility for your child with the local authority who placed them in your care, therefore any choice of childcare will need to be discussed with them.  

• Changes to behaviour – be patient with your child if this separation starts to impact their behaviour and sleep throughout the day. It’ll be important to find a new routine for both of you, which, with consistency, will help you both to feel more stable with this new arrangement. 

Self-care 

The first year of your adoption journey will be an absolute whirlwind, with lots of bonding for you and your child. It can be so easy to get caught up with all the demands of parenting that you forget to take care of yourself. But if you’re feeling run down and not at your best, then you won’t be in the best position to take care of your child. 

It’s important to remember to take some time out of your day to practice self-care. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary, allowing you to reset and feel better able to tackle the challenges that come your way. 

Here are a few ways that you can practice self-care throughout your day: 

• Take ten minutes to sit down with a cup of tea and unwind.  
• Sit and read a book for half an hour throughout the day. 
• Look after your physical health by exercising and eating a healthy diet. 
• Make sure you’re getting enough sleep throughout the day. 
• Stay hydrated. 
• Spend time on a favourite hobby. 

Start your adoption journey today 

Whether you’ve already started your adoption journey or are looking to take those first steps, Adopters for Adoption are here to help you every step of the way. If you want to know more about adoption and what this could look like for your family, fill out an enquiry form on our website or give us a ring on 0800 5877 791 to speak to one of our friendly advisors.  

We’re proud to offer our adoptive parents the support they need  even after the adoption has been completed.