Richard and Paul’s adoption story
Richard and Paul from Coventry are entering their third year of life with three adopted children. In 2023, the couple adopted the siblings who were in foster care at the time, welcoming them to a new family life with two loving dads. Adoption isn’t as straight forward a process as many think, so Richard and Paul have shared their experiences of adopting multiple children with Adopters for Adoption (AFA), a voluntary adoption agency which specialises in finding homes for children who typically wait longer to find their forever families.
Choosing adoption as their route to parenthood
Richard and Paul have been in a loving relationship for 15 years. After having their dream wedding a few years back, the couple decided it was time to think about starting a family.
Paul said: “We’ve always had children in our lives. Our friends and family have always said that we’re very natural with kids. We’d talked in the past about wanting children one day, we just didn’t know the logistics of how.”
“During the pandemic, we began researching more about the different ways of starting a family which were available to us as a gay couple. By the time lockdown restrictions eased, we’d decided that adoption was the right path for us. Not only was it a good way for us to start a family, but it also gave us the amazing chance to change children’s lives.”
Starting the adoption journey
Though the couple was excited to get started, they were a little apprehensive about the adoption assessment process. The assessment process is lengthy and very thorough to ensure adoptive parents know all there is to know and are appropriate candidates to become parents to children who might not have had the easiest starts in life.
The process includes nine steps, including an initial enquiry, registration of interest, and two stages of assessment before going on to a platform called Link Maker, which helps connect adoptive parents with the right child or children.
Richard said: “We were a bit nervous of the assessment process at first, as we’d learned through our research how intrusive it can be. The team will ask for all sorts of information from you, which could include things like chatting about childhood experiences and difficult life events, or even contacting any significant ex-partners.”
“Naturally, we found this a bit intimidating before we got started, but as we got going with our adoption training, we began to appreciate why these things were necessary and why it’s so important for the AFA team to be so thorough.”
“Once you start the assessment process, there’s a bit of soul-searching involved,” Paul added, “I myself was in foster care for a short period of time growing up, so there were some things to unpack there. For one thing, the assessment process changed my impression of social workers. As an adoptive parent, you learn that social workers aren’t your enemy— they want whatever is best for a child, whether that’s staying with their birth family, living with loving foster parents or finding their forever home through adoption. They’re amazing people, and they certainly don’t get enough credit for the work they do.”
Learning the realities of adoption
Like many, Richard and Paul initially thought they’d be adopting a baby. Through their training with AFA, they learnt that’s rarely the case, as in the UK 65% of all children waiting to be adopted are aged over five years old, living with complex needs, from minority ethnic backgrounds, and/or part of a sibling group.
Local authorities work hard to keep babies with their birth families where it’s safe and appropriate to do so, meaning most children up for adoption aren’t under the age of three, like many people think.
The couple said: “Through our learning, we became open to adopting older children. We’ve never done anything by halves, so when we told people we were adopting three siblings, all over the age of three, I think some may have thought we were biting off more than we could chew. Especially because our house was already busy with the two of us and our four dogs. But we knew we could do it together, leaning on our friends, family, and social workers as we adjusted to our amazing new life as parents.”
Preparing friends and family
Richard and Paul’s friends and family have been nothing but supportive since the beginning of their journey, but initially, the couple thought they’d keep the adoption quiet until the latter stages.
Paul said: “We realised quite quickly that that was the wrong choice. Adopting is a long process, and just as you would if you were having a child in the usual way, you need the help and support of your friends and family.”
The couple encourages anyone considering adoption to be open and honest with friends and family about the process and to learn as much as possible about how adoption works.
Richard said: “Our friends and family were there to help and support us through everything. They even came along to training with AFA to learn more. The training helped them to better understand why the parenting techniques we’d be using with our children, who had experienced family separation and trauma, might look different to how they parented their biological children. At the end of the training, everyone understood the nuances better, and they were cheering us on all the way.”
The importance of sibling relationships in adoption
For Richard and Paul, the last few years have been a total ‘learning curve’ as they’ve adapted to life with three children with three entirely different personalities. In adoption, it can be hugely beneficial to keep siblings together as it helps them make sense of their personal history, maintain family ties, and have some level of familiarity when they move into their adoptive homes.
Family dynamics for children who are being adopted can be complex. Richard and Paul’s three children have two other, older siblings who were adopted by another family, and both families work hard to maintain a good relationship.
Richard said: “The importance of sibling relationships doesn’t just apply to our three children but to their other siblings, too. We stay in touch with the other children and their family and that’s such a lovely thing. Whether it’s days out together like a trip to the zoo or little things like video calls or our children receiving their older siblings’ hand-me-down clothes, it all gives them a little burst of joy, and it’s great to keep up those family connections.”
The importance of sibling relationships in adoption
For Richard and Paul, the last few years have been a total ‘learning curve’ as they’ve adapted to life with three children with three entirely different personalities. In adoption, it can be hugely beneficial to keep siblings together as it helps them make sense of their personal history, maintain family ties, and have some level of familiarity when they move into their adoptive homes.
Family dynamics for children who are being adopted can be complex. Richard and Paul’s three children have two other, older siblings who were adopted by another family, and both families work hard to maintain a good relationship.
Richard said: “The importance of sibling relationships doesn’t just apply to our three children but to their other siblings, too. We stay in touch with the other children and their family and that’s such a lovely thing. Whether it’s days out together like a trip to the zoo or little things like video calls or our children receiving their older siblings’ hand-me-down clothes, it all gives them a little burst of joy, and it’s great to keep up those family connections.”
Understanding family ties
As well as ensuring that the children keep in good contact with their siblings, Richard and Paul have been open with the children about their wider family, encouraging them to be curious and ask questions.
Paul said: “Having same sex parents, the kids are always going to be asked questions, and we recognise how important it is that they understand their lives before we became their Daddy and Papa. I think some of the social workers and professionals we’ve met have been surprised by how open we’ve been with the children. We keep a digital photo frame in the lounge, which includes pictures of the children’s biological parents and the foster carers they lived with before we became their parents. We want them to have a full and complete understanding of exactly who they are.”
Becoming part of a new family
Over the last two years, Richard and Paul have immersed the children in every part of their lives – from their community to life with four dogs – and now feel like the children have ‘been with them forever.’
Richard said: “All three of our little ones have made huge steps in their development and we started to see positive changes as early as three months into their time with us. That was helped along not only by our training from AFA, but also because of our unconditional love and support. They’ve become part of every area of our lives, from simple things like cuddles on the sofa or going out at Christmas and having fantastic days out as a family. We’re always looking for ways to put a little more joy and magic into their lives.”
Ongoing support for adoptive families
Deciding the best route to parenthood for you is one of the biggest decisions a person or couple will make in their lives. Researching the different options to find the best fit for you is vital – whether that’s adoption or not. For Richard and Paul, adoption was the right choice and led them to ‘the most amazing family we could’ve imagined.’
Paul said: “We’ve met some amazing people on this journey, whether it’s other adoptive families at AFA’s fun family events like their celebration days, or the brilliant staff like our social worker, who really got to know us as a couple. We stuck with our adoption journey because of AFA. We were definitely supported all the way, through everything.”
“Even though we’ve come through the adoption process now and are settled as a family, we can still rely upon AFA’s support when we need it,” Richard added. “One of the best things about AFA is the events they host, which give our kids the chance to meet and befriend other children who share their background of adoption. I think knowing other adopted families will help them to understand things better as they grow up.”
“People say they admire what we’ve done for our children, but it’s a two-way thing. They’re teaching us new things every day, just as much as we’re teaching them. Adopting three siblings has been the most amazing thing for our family! They changed our lives in the most incredible way.”
Would you like to learn more about what it’s like to adopt a child in the UK? Check out more stories from our adoptive families, or attend one of our regular virtual information events.
Learn more about adopting a child in the UK
Here at AFA, we encourage people from all backgrounds, whatever your relationship status, gender, sexuality, faith, or ethnicity, to consider adopting a child if you’re thinking of starting or growing your family and have love to give.
